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Raised by Moogles

meanderings on life, love, and the human race from an outside perspective

Moogle Girl

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January 27th, 2016

Life lessons, part 1.

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ph34r the mad scientist (not Wheeljack!)
Lesson I've learned from painting my nails: let small mistakes stand. If you futz with them you'll just make it worse and have to start over.

Being a perfectionist doesn't work for me, which is probably why I will never have the flawless manis you see on those nail polish blogs. XD

December 6th, 2015

So apparently Squenix decided not enough people were talking about VII-R and released a gameplay trailer. With the usual caveats that this is a work in progress and may be tweaked, I have a few thoughts:

- The combat appears to be roughly FFXII-style, as far as I can make out. Which is about what I expected, but still kind of disappointing. The combat in XII felt too clumsy and uncontrolled to me. Straight turn-based wouldn’t really fit with the rest of the design anymore, but at the very least I’m hoping it’ll play more like Kingdom Hearts than XII.
- The expanded dialogue sounds great. So does the voice acting. (Except for Wedge. Poor Wedge, what have they done to you?) …unfortunately the dubbing is pretty awful. That sort of thing usually doesn’t bother me, but it’s immersion-breaking in this trailer.
- Moving around the map appears to have more to it than hold-X-to-run, which is an improvement. And it’s bigger, or at least seems that way due to the new camera angle - hopefully this means more little corners to poke in and little details to discover.
- I am happy about the art. It still looks like Midgar.
- Cloud looks terrible. Like he really has just escaped from a lab. His arms are so skinny and there’s shadows under his eyes, the poor thing.
- I’m fairly sure we saw Barret’s Hot Shot - it looks awesome. And GUARD SCORPION. Holy crap, it’s terrifying.
- Why is Barret wearing sunglasses at night? So he can, so he can see the light that’s right before his eyes.

Overall I’m impressed, but I’m trying to sit on my enthusiasm. I’ve been hoping for this for years but now that it’s happening I feel kind of worried. I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t trust Squenix to be able to tell the difference between what needs updating & reworking and what should be preserved. FFVII was the game that got me hooked on RPGs, and I adore it glitches and bad dialogue and all, and a polished-up version is by necessity going to lose some of that. I’ve been kinda turned off to AAA console gaming for years now - the most recent console I own is a Wii - and if Squenix tries to make this thing fall into line with modern console games or even more modern FF games (I’m looking at you, XV), it’ll end up boring me. Or annoying me. Possibly both.

Also if I catch even a hint of Genesis, I am going to strangle someone.

(Think we’ll get some more WEAPONs to beat up? :D)

November 27th, 2015

Hop on over and leave your address here! Or you can do it here, comments are screened, but I'd like to keep things semi-organized.
My second holiday season in the UK. Thanksgiving has come and gone, Christmas et. al. is coming, and I have this vague unsettled feeling that I should be homesick. But I’m just… not. I don’t really feel anything.

I mean, granted, I was never hugely into Thanksgiving. I thought it was kind of an unneccessary pre-Christmas-Christmas. And in recent years I’m either just so freaking burnt out on Christmas or I’m becoming cynical in my old age that the only thing I want to do with the holiday is use it as a chance to sleep in and play video games. But between being overseas and my dad’s family having basically fallen apart the past couple of years, it’s like, well, what’s wrong with me that I can barely remember past holidays and the bits&pieces I do remember don’t really affect me all that much? Am I headed for a breakdown and don’t know it yet? Am I doing the thing I learned to do in middle school where I just turned my feelings off? (Sounds like a great ability, right? IT ISN’T.)

I was reading something the other day about how someone else felt being an expatriate. About her experience of culture shock, and how she couldn’t feel like she was a part of the world she was living in. And I thought, “But I always feel like that. You mean that’s not normal?”

So, uh, I’m so broken that I’m actually coping really well. XD

(I am going to do card exchange this year. That part of the holidays I do miss. I'll do the 'address exchange post' in a bit, when my pie's in the oven.)

November 10th, 2015

There"s no way to talk about this without my negative self-talk bleeding into it, sorry.Collapse )

Answer for question 4547.

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Cosplay ('costume play') is a popular pastime for many people -- dressing up as a favorite fictional character for different reasons (conventions, holidays, events). For those who partake, what's the best costume you've ever created or worn? What's the best one you've ever seen from someone else?
Galvatron at Botcon '08! :DDD ...too lazy to dig up pictures. But I was fucking amazing.

October 29th, 2015

*screaming a lot*

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Guys. Guysguysguys. I have been writing fic for fifteen years and I have never finished a chapter fic until now.

Dipolemacy chapter 8 is finally up!

I - I honestly don't know what to do with myself right now. Except shriek internally. I'm not used to confidence boosters! What do?

.....^_^

October 25th, 2015

...welp. -_-

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Got fired from the grocery store on Friday. For not being "happy" enough. Apparently such egregious sins leaning on the register and letting the manager be the first to say hi in the mornings are unforgivable in the 'disposable register monkey' field, and so I find myself disposed of.

...hell yes, I'm bitter. I didn't even like the job, but I did everything I was supposed to do and made an effort to be friendly with customers. And that self-same manager didn't give enough of a crap to ask me if I was okay when I asked her where the first aid kit was the morning I came in with scrapes from falling off my bike, so I'm calling bullshit on her ass.

So now I have to go through the job-seeking process all over again, which y'all know destroys me. I've got an interview tomorrow, actually - it's a temp job, but y'know what? The pay's better. So there's that.

September 2nd, 2015

I’m pretty much talking out my ass here. I’m not watching the new Muppet series, I have no intention of watching the new Muppet series, and I am probably missing out on a lot of context, but - dammit, I’m glad Kermit and Piggy broke up and I’m totally waving a TeamDenise banner here.

Partially I’m guilty of taking the Muppets way too seriously, but I’m kind of sick of seeing people hold up Miss Piggy as some kind of feminist icon. She hits people. She hits her boyfriend. In public and on camera and everything. Puppets hitting each other is part of a slapstick tradition going back probably thousands of years, but this new series, by setting everything in as close to the ‘real world’ as possible, just throws everything into a very harsh light, and in that light Miss Piggy looks an awful lot like a rageaholic serial abuser. In this context Kermit just broke up with his abusive girlfriend whom he’s been enduring for decades, and even though we don’t really know anything about his rebound girlfriend we can at least be pretty sure she hasn’t hit him yet. And yet the entire Internet is losing its collective shit, calling Denise ‘homewrecker’ and ’skank’ and basically punishing them both for Kermit finally escaping. Is this an accurate representation of what male domestic abuse survivors go through? I feel like it’s kinda too close for comfort.

Denise is going to turn out be a villain somehow. I know this because a) this is a giant nostalgia project aimed at Millenials, do you honestly think they’re going to let a change to the status quo this huge stand? and b) they made her look like a slagging Bratz doll, put her in a low-cut top and made her just a little too sexually aggressive for society to accept in a female. I mean, the Internet would still hate her even if she dressed like a nun, but add the ‘tart it up’ factor and it’s like waving fresh meat at a pack of starving dogs. The fans just lose their goddamn minds. And they will feel completely vindicated when Denise is revealed as The Villain: maybe she’s embezzling, maybe she’s a spy or saboteur, maybe she’s just basically cut from the same sociopathic cloth as Piggy, I couldn’t tell you how this is going to shake out, but it will end with a vicious, shrieking, hair-pulling spectacle catfight which Piggy will win and thus the status quo will be restored. Call me the Oracle of Kupo.

But until then, I ship it like FedEx and I am not ashamed.

August 13th, 2015

It's bearable.

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Well, this is my third week at the little grocery store, and I'm coming toward the end of my ability to use "sorry, I'm new here" as an excuse for my fuckups. (Today I almost gave someone thirty pounds more cashback than he'd asked for. I am NOT at my best in the mornings, guys.)

There was a couple of days there when I was pretty sure I was going to be let go, because one of the supervisors was kind of giving me the cold shoulder when before he'd been teasing me a lot, but yesterday he went back to teasing me, so I guess I'm still okay. Honestly I'm still not sure I'm going to keep this job though. My second day they got us all together and told us the owner was selling the franchise back to its parent company. "Nobody's losing their jobs," they were quick to assure us, but realistically, if they decide to tighten their belts I'm first on the chopping block as the new kid. Also, it may not be a good sign that I don't have a name tag yet.

But if I do get to keep this job, it's not terrible. Magazine-sorting and doing home shopping orders are kind of fun, and some of the regulars are nice. (I basically channel my mom talking to those people. It's kind of unnerving how much I sound like her. XD)

July 21st, 2015

Been reading through this article and the comments about it here about emotional labor (there are a lot of them. Seriously, be prepared for it to eat at least two days’ worth of your free time.) and - well. It gave me a new vocabulary for talking about myself, so here we go.

It is long. And self-indulgent. And depressing. And there is not much point to it really.Collapse )

July 16th, 2015

I, uh, got two jobs today. Well, a job offer and an informal freelance project.

The job is just part time, weekday mornings at the local grocery store, but it's paying enough that I can stop living off my savings and start contributing to rent. The freelance gig - basically 'Boots acted as my agent, so now I'm doing an animated informational video for her boss. XD

I'm fairly sure imposter syndrome is going to hit me hard as soon as I start work on it, but since I'm not doing it in front of her I can fake confidence in my emails to her and have my breakdowns in blessed privacy. And tentatively, maybe start to believe that my diploma-mill graphic design degree was not the waste of two years and thousands of dollars that I've been convinced it was since about six months after I graduated.

I DON'T HAVE TO JOB-HUNT ANYMORE. HOORAY. JOB HUNTING IS THE ACTUAL WORST.

(On an unrelated note, I wrote a thing. TW: two instances of a common gendered slur. Also probably going to get a certain 90s pop song stuck in your head.)

June 19th, 2015

I tend to stay quiet about things like this*. I’ll retweet things other people have said, but in general I think that when my twitlist is talking about nine black people shot by a white racist, the last thing anyone needs to hear is how this incident makes yet another white person feel. But something the gunman** reportedly said caught ahold of my ear.

That thing was “You’re raping our women.”

Fellow white women, we need to be calling this shit out in force.

This is a laughably thin excuse for white violence against nonwhites, but it’s one that’s been thrown about for ages. See lynch mobs in the Reconstruction era. See Emmett Till. All done in the name of protecting white women’s virtue from black men. They murdered people in the cruelest ways they could think of and said it was for us. Does anyone here really believe that there was ever a point in history when black men made a point of jumping out of the bushes at virtuous, defenseless white women? Anyone? At all? Because it’s bullshit. A story made up to scare us into avoiding black men and to justify their murder. It’s as ludicrous and as destructive as the blood libel.

Let’s not kid ourselves, here. Our foremothers have found (or hell, been handed) ways to benefit from this intersection of sexism and racism, but it’s never been about protecting us so much as protecting white men’s exclusive claim to white female bodies. We’re the trophies, proof that a white patriarch has lived his life in the manner he was supposed to. Keeping black men away from us by violence or threat is about controlling our reproductive activity and about preserving men’s reputations.

I’m not trying to ‘me too!’ at POC’s suffering, to be clear. Justice needs to flow to them first: they have borne the majority share of pain from this dynamic. My uneasiness is just that - uneasiness. A feeling, compared to nine good people murdered while they were praying as an act of terrorism against a community I’m not part of.

That’s why I, and you, fellow white women, have to speak against this. We have to call bullshit on people like the shooter, at long last. Not. In. My. Name.

Because the alternative is to continue to be complicit.

*”Things like this,” plural. Seriously, fuck this country sometimes.
**Not repeating his name.

June 18th, 2015

Today I gave what I thought was a perfectly acceptable performance at a job interview for a part-time position at a grocery store. Two hours after leaving, I had a rejection email in my inbox.

They'd told me I'd hear back within five working days. Turns out they couldn't WAIT to tell me to fuck off.

I just - I can't even get hired for chimp work. I'm exactly that useless.

May 14th, 2015

Ten years ago this month I was diagnosed with depression, started taking medicine for it, and dropped out of college.

It feels like I should be able to contextualize this at this point, make some sort of meaningful narrative out of it, but I can’t. I don’t feel distant enough from it. I haven’t forgiven myself for dropping out. Maybe I never will. I mean, I survived the subsequent years: living with my parents, going back to school, earning a degree that turned out to be pretty much worthless, taking on a fairly stressful job and being successful at it, even managing to live on my own for a couple of years, albeit with some financial support from my parents. I published a couple of stories. And, dude, moved to another country and got enciviled to my Person. That was a thing. But I don’t feel like I’ve changed significantly from the person who burst into tears when my first therapist told me I was worth something.

When I was taking my psych assessment last summer - hah, how time flies! - I tested in the ‘severe’ range for anxiety and depression. I think there was a little bias in that - I was under stress at the time, taking all these tests and all, so maybe I was over-reporting - but ‘moderate’ depression/anxiety/whateverthehell is wrong with me is still a struggle.

I’m not on meds anymore. Maybe I should be. I still feel like I’m worthless. But I can take pleasure in things. I can function. I’m doing okay.

Screw it. My narrative will be shamelessly escapist.

May 7th, 2015

Because certain actors started calling Black Widow a slut in interviews. Oh my god I was so disappointed. The Chrises apologized later, at least, but then Jeremy Renner went and said it again and I - I just. STRANGLEHANDS.

So I ranted. And then I Storified the rant.

It's kind of funny how protective I feel of Natasha, really. I've never really experienced any of the shit that attractive women are subjected to - I got the "ugly girl" shit instead. But it's all two sides of the same coin in the end, isn't it? It's about treating women as commodities. I couldn't fight for myself back then, but I will tear a strip off someone for Natasha now.

March 11th, 2015

When ‘Boots lost her job last month, it was mostly a relief - her coworkers were horrible to her - but it also brought us into the domain of the Worry Wyvern. In order for the Powers that Be to approve my visa, we had to meet a financial requirement: namely, that she be employed six months at a salary meeting or exceeding a given threshhold. When we sent in our application, ‘Boots’s job meant we exceeded the threshhold by quite a comfortable margin. A month later, her income was zero, I’m not even allowed to look for jobs, and all was HOSHIT.

Mostly, we tried not to think about it while ‘Boots threw her resume at everything that moved. Aside from muttered confessions of “oh god what if-“ “oh god no” when we were both too tired to filter. I was haunted by visions of being shipped back to America in a small cardboard box with holes in the lid. …okay, not that last bit. But we were trying to enjoy our unexpected vacation together and leave the paperwork to fall where it may.

“We should call the Visa Guys and ask for advice,” ‘Boots suggested.

Haunted by visions of immediate deportation, I winced, “Maybe we should consult the UK Yankee forum first.” What if we called, they rejected our visa in light of this new info, but if we’d just sat tight it would have been fine? It’d be another six months before I’d be allowed to even apply again, and oh dear Primus what a nightmare that was the first time around. The plan became “call them only after Newjob has been secured”, and I very quietly held my breath.

A month later, ‘Boots gets offered a job - more than that, it’s a position they created just for her. Because she is fabulous. ^_^ I had gone croaky with illness by that point, so I sat by clinging to her hand while she called up the visa office and asked the fateful question.

“Here’s our situation, and I was just wondering… …oh, it won’t? And we don’t have to do anything? You have no idea what a relief that is!”

Cue the theatrical collapsing on our fainting couches.

“I wasn’t at all sure about this,” I told ‘Boots after, “but I’m really glad we called.” Just - you call someone up about government paperwork, where they’re not trying to sell you anything so they're not compelled to be nice, and they just - help? Just like that? What a novel concept!

I'm gonna like living here. ^_^

February 27th, 2015

I was bribed with cookies to post this, so you may all blame my partner.

Once upon a time, a tiny Roddy went to a civil partnership ceremony...Collapse )
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